[GIRL CHAT] Koereyelle DuBose Dishes on “The Single Wives Club” and Becoming A Better Woman Before Becoming A Wife
There’s nothing wrong with being single and waiting for Mr. Right, but using the “waiting period” to learn yourself and become the best you on the way to becoming the best wife is even better. After a failed engagement, Koereyelle DuBose did some soul searching and realized that she wasn’t able to be the best mate because she hadn’t become the best HER. She created the Single Wives Club to educate and inspire women to become better women before becoming wives. Learn more about The Single Wives Club and the upcoming “WERKPraySlay” Weekend in Atlanta, GA. Check out our chat below.
Keyauna: Tell me about the concept behind “The Single Wives Club” because when I read about it, I was like ‘this is really interesting’.
Koereyelle: The Single Wives Club is an education and empowerment organization that inspires single ladies to become better women before becoming wives. What that means, in a nutshell, is that we are a support group, a self-help, self-development program for single women. We are the world’s one and only relationship readiness program that will get you ready for a relationship before you are in a relationship. I always like to say, we don’t believe in on the job training. For every other aspect of life there is some type of preparatory program, there is some type of training class that you need before you go into a new phase or a new journey in life, aside from relationships. We are that prep program for relationship readiness.
Keyauna: Okay. I mean, I’m married. I’ll tell you that first. I’ve been married for seven years.
Keyauna: Thank you. We actually have a son now, our son is five. I’ll say before having our son, everything was normal relationship stuff. You just kind of transition into being married but it’s not a big deal when you’re together for quite some time. When we had our son, that’s when we start to have a little bit of difficulty and I think that if I would have had some preparation for running a household with a child, the dynamics that change between the two of you when you have a child, we probably could have avoided some of the rough spots. The whole concept of preparation for a relationship and marriage is, I mean, it seems like something we should have thought of before.
Koereyelle: You know what, what’s so crazy is that wives, husbands and wives are typically, well wives and all men, not necessarily married men, but wives and men are the biggest supporters of the Single Wives Club because they understand that it takes work. It’s not just fairy tales and good feelings. There are, you know, you got to get your mind right. You have to have your emotions in check. You have to be able to manage things and organizing and stuff. There’s just so many components that go into a happy relationship. I’m not talking about suffering through a relationship, but having a loving relationship. There are things that you have to do, things you have to know, skills you need to have in order to not stress yourself out, stress your partner out and all of that stuff. Wives and men always seem to get it. It’s the single women that think there is nothing to be done in order to “get a man”. Every single thing that we do, our focus is on self-development, self-awareness, on figuring out who you are, how you ended up that way, what you are expecting from men, what you are bringing to the table, so that you can make the changes that you need in order to see the changes that you want to see in your life. We’re not like a matchmaker or anything like that. It’s all about what you need to do for yourself so that you can start attracting better things in your life. I definitely appreciate you talking about the need for it, I definitely appreciate you making that point.
Keyauna: What you just said is so important because I got with my husband when we were twenty-one. We were like high school off and on and then twenty-one, we’ve been together since then. I found myself being like the relationship person in my circle. Some of my other friends, they’d have short relationships, six months, eight months a year and it would be over. I remember one of my friends asking me,”How do you always stay in relationships and they kind of be at least semi-successful?” My response was that part of it is just knowing you, knowing what you want and who you are and dealing with your own personal issues because I found that the friends that I’m talking about all had issues, they hadn’t dealt with daddy issue or selfishness or other things that you have to deal with first before you can have a relationship. Talk about that, that part of what you guys do to help women become who they need/want to be first.
Koereyelle: Absolutely, one thing that I have realized and that has just been proven true through my friendships, through my members, through just tons of women that I get to talk to is that if you don’t become your best self, you are absolutely going to ruin any type of relationship that you get into because of your own insecurities, because of your own deficiencies, because of your own negative thinking, negative expectations. Whatever those issues are that you have, those are the issues, that’s the energy that you’re sending out into the world to attract your next mate. If you have all of this baggage, if you are entering a relationship with a ton of deficiencies, you are literally attracting a mate with maybe not those same deficiencies, but with equal deficiencies.
That is what I had to realize after my engagement ended a few years ago, is that I could not blame God, I could not blame him, I could not blame anybody. Not to say that anybody was at blame, but I had to be really real with myself about why I attracted this person, why I held onto this person for so long, why I thought that this was a healthy situation for me to ever be a part of to begin with. I had to really take back the ownership and take responsibility for my contribution to this relationship. So many times women want to blame the other person, or they want to be the victim. Nine times out of ten we don’t take responsibility, we don’t say, “Okay what did I do to add to this situation? What did I bring to the table? What didn’t I bring to the table? What could I do better?”
Aside from how you are dealing with somebody else, how you are dealing with yourself is everything. If you don’t love yourself, you have no love to give to anybody else. I know that sounds cliché. We talk all the time about how all love starts with self-love. That is really real. If you are not 100% confident with yourself, secure with what you have going on, over all of your issues, done with all of that baggage, then you are literally going to experience the same relationship with a new person every single time until you take ownership and get rid of what you need to get rid of, start improving your healthy habits. There are a ton of things that you can do right now as a single woman to set yourself up for success in your next relationship. Those are the things that we work on with our members and with our classes and study groups and all of the other resources that we offer. Our focus is on getting rid of that baggage, getting rid of those issues that you have been dragging from relationship to relationship so that you can start with a healthy perspective. So that you can have healthy expectations. Then, hopefully you can create a healthy relationship.
Keyauna: Another thought came to mind when you were speaking is, because you were saying things that resonated with this thought. A lot of times women think that men are dogs or men are whatever they are when they treat you the way that they treat you that’s not what you want, but I have found in experiences in dealing with friends and people around me that a lot of times the guy treats you based on what you do and what you expect. He could have walked up to you with every intention of saying, “She could be my wife. Oh my gosh, she’s looks amazing, she seems great.” Then when you open your mouth, you issues come out and his intentions changes. Now you’re not going to be wife, he’s going to string you along forever. I guess what I’m saying is how we conduct ourselves and our baggage all dictate, yeah the person may have dogged you out, that may have been what happened, but what about you accepted that, allowed that, made it happen, contributed to the behavior that’s received. What you accept has a lot to do with how you’re treated?
Koereyelle: Absolutely. I really had to check myself after I got out of this relationship because I went through so many things that I swore I would never go through. I swore I would never be this girl, I swore I would never date this guy and I ended up in this situation. On the outside of it, on the other side after it all ended, I remember having a conversation with my mom and telling her, I must have been experiencing temporary insanity. I had to have lost my mind to have dealt with these things and to have accepted it and to have condoned it because I kept signing myself right back up for it every single day. We allow people to treat us bad and then we get mad at them for treating us bad. If you put yourself in this situation, if you open up the door and you let them walk right through, you are literally giving them permission to mistreat you.
Ever single day that you deal with it, every single day that it’s okay with you, you are literally inviting them to do it some more. You’re telling them it’s all right. You are in control. Nine times out of ten women are running these relationships, we just don’t know it. It could be running in our favor or it could be working against us, but the energy that we put out, the things we’re telling these guys, the things that we’re doing, all of these things are dictating what is happening to us or what is happening for us. I am just a huge, huge advocate for self-awareness, knowing what it is that you are bringing to the table, know what issues you are bringing. Be very, very aware. I like to say you got to check yourself before somebody else has the opportunity to check you.
You want to present yourself as your best self. In order to do that you have to uncover, peel back the layers, find out why you got this bad attitude, why you say all men are dogs, why every man that you date has cheated on you, you know, what is the root cause of all of this. If you are going to continue to address the issues but not really address the underlying cause then you’re going to continue to experience the same thing, you’re going to continue to think that all men are dogs and they are going to all continue to treat you that way because that is your expectation. Self-awareness is everything. Authenticity, being real with yourself, I think contributes to a lot of the success in relationships. Like you said, just knowing who you are, knowing what you need and then being able to recognize when you do have that.
Keyauna: That’s the other part, you don’t have to be perfect, nobody’s saying being perfect. We all have flaws and sometimes those are what build relationships stronger, when you go through things together, but in a healthy way. It can’t be you dragging somebody through all your mud and then wondering why everything’s dirty. It can’t happen that way. How is the response then from, you talk about the wives and the men, but I know the toughest group is who you’re trying to reach, the single women.
Koereyelle: Absolutely. The response has been, we’re very successful, so I can’t say that the response has been bad, but I will say, it takes a lot to get a single woman on board. The single woman that I was when I started this organization and I started it with my friends, the single women that we were is not exactly the single woman that I’m seeing whose very, very interested in being a member or who is always attending our events. Women we get who are like, “All right, I’m in. I need their help. Where do I need to start?” Those are typically women who are like over, I would say thirty-four who have been run through the mud a few times, who may have been married before, who have experienced this stuff, whatever this stuff is and who are like, “All right, enough is enough. I know now that I need to start taking ownership. I know now that I need to start focusing on my personal life just like I’ve been focusing on my professional life. What do I need to do?”
It’s the women who have tried to get a man for years and years just based on their looks alone and have finally realized, all right, I’m going to have to bring more to the table, or there are some issues that I’m going to need to work out before I get into the next relationship. Most of the time the women that we are getting, that we don’t have to convince, those are the women who have been through something and who realize their role in everything. It’s the women who, like I said, who feel like their looks are going to get them through the door, who feel like any man should just be lucky to have them. The stubborn women are the ones that are the hardest to reach, their the ones that think, you know their the ones that have to bump their head a few times before they realize that they’re going to have to do more than just look good.
Keyauna: I think that a lot of, there was a time period that I felt like marriage was not as popular and I think now marriage is popular again and is kind of trendy, which can be good and bad. Good in the sense of, yes I’m really glad that people are taking more responsibility in love and relationships and not just shacking for ten years with ten kids. I’m really glad that people are finding marriage important in the beginning, not ten years down the road. That’s great. On the flip side, anything that becomes trendy people start just doing it for the wrong reasons. Sometimes they’re doing it because their girlfriends are doing it. They’re doing it because they’re tired of being single because they’re thirty-three. They’re doing it because everybody’s getting married and that leads to unsuccessful marriages and relationships. Even if you do get the ring, get the marriage, have a few kids, you look up and find that you’re unfulfilled, you’re unhappy and so is he. Talk even about that. Some of them do even get married, find a man, have the picture but then you’re in an unsuccessful, unhappy marriage because you still haven’t dealt with any of those underlying issues.
Koereyelle: That is the situation that I almost got myself into. I call it settling season. I always say, you have to survive settling season and that is the first couple years after college when all of your friends are getting married, everybody’s having babies, you’re always the brides maid, you’re always throwing a baby shower and you’re like, “Okay what the hell? Where is my man?” If you can get through those years then I truly, truly believe, not just get through those years, but if you could use those years wisely and really, really focus on yourself and learn yourself and grow into yourself, then I think that you can definitely find success in a relationship. I would like to think that, they say finance is the number one cause of divorce in marriage, but number one and a half has to be getting into it for the wrong reasons.
I know so many people who got married right after college because they thought that’s what they had to do, or they got married to the guy that they got pregnant by, or they got married to the guy that their mom liked. Then they end up so unhappy, they got a bad taste in their mouth, they’re divorced at twenty-four or twenty-five. They think that love won’t last. They think that marriage doesn’t work. They think that men are dogs. No. That marriage did not work, that relationship did not work because it wasn’t the right person, it wasn’t the right intentions. When we live for other people, when we let other people dictate our decisions, when we date somebody because he looks good on paper even though he doesn’t make us happy, when we get into things with the wrong intentions, we are absolutely, every single time, going to get the wrong outcome. You can’t go into a marriage, or a relationship, or any situation looking for the wrong things because you’re always going to find the wrong things.
If we are getting into relationships with healthy intentions, if we are really, really thinking about our decision and truly, truly examining whether or not we’re making decisions based on what feels good or what looks good, I think that that plays a big role in it, too. Like you said, marriage is popular now. Instagram has made being in love look way more glamorous than I think it really is. I got a man and I’m happy with him, but I’m not taking Instagram us-ies all day long, that’s just not real life. I think that that, the glitz and glam, the reality shows, they make it look like this is what a relationship is supposed to be and if it’s not this, your man ain’t nothing or you don’t have anything. That is just not the case. We have to really start being realistic and being logical and thinking about what we want for ourselves. Not what we think looks good, not what we think is going to be fun, something that is really, really going to last.
That was my problem. I had literally wrote a list, I wrote up this letter to God. In the letter, I made this list of all the things that I wanted in a husband, what I wanted him to look like. I didn’t go as far as the kind of car he drove, but I talked about the career he had. I talked about all of this stuff that I wanted in a guy, none of it was substantial. All of it was superficial, petty, I don’t know if I can curse on here so I won’t, but it was stuff that doesn’t matter. I literally got every single thing that I asked for. I mean, if I put twenty things in this letter, I got eighteen of them. This man literally showed up on the day I met him, told me I was going to be his wife, we got engaged three months later. I mean, everything that I said I wanted, I literally got delivered to my doorstep.
I had not considered the things that I actually needed. I did not put anything substantial on this list, I didn’t talk about how this man was going to treat me. I didn’t talk about the values he had. I didn’t talk about what he believed in. I didn’t talk about his morals. I didn’t put any of the things that actually mattered on this paper. If I would have went through with that relationship, if I would have gotten married, my intentions started out wrong. What I was signing myself up for, what I thought I wanted was not what I actually needed. A lot of women end up in those situations, but still go through with it. They’re still too ashamed to turn back. They’re still too far in to give the ring back or end the engagement or whatever.
We get in these situations for the wrong reasons and then we wonder why we end up the way we do. I truly, truly believe that if you spend time thinking about what it is that you want, what you’re intentions are, what it is that you really, really need, what feels good for you, then you will be, not to say that it’s going to be a guarantee, but you will have a much better chance of finding a happy relationship than if you’re looking for something that is ridiculous and doesn’t even matter in the long run.
Keyauna: At the conferences and the events that you do, do you make a point to emphasize balance? A big part of unsuccessful relationships are people who don’t have a balance in their life anyway. If you are, from one extreme to the next, some women, and men too, you meet this guy and fall in love and he’s all that matters. Nothing else matters, everything else in your life falls behind, you neglect it, you don’t see your family, you don’t work the way you normally did, you push your girls to the side, you focus only on him and then you look up and that’s gone and you have nothing. Or you do have him, you’re successful, but your whole life is involved with him and your life together. Do you make a point to preach those things as well, balance and making sure you keep some of you when you are even in a happy, successful relationship?
Koereyelle: A thousand percent. We are definitely not encouraging women to be quote, unquote “housewives” unless that’s what you want to do. That is not our program, we’re not training wives to be housewives because I would never have that as my reality. I am such an ambitious, entrepreneurial person and that is why, just as much as we talk about relationship and dating and self-awareness, we’re talking about entrepreneurship as well. We’re talking about pursuing your passion. Every single conference that we do, we always have both components where we do the business conference where we’re empowering women to be their own boss, to pursue their dreams, to figure out what makes them tick, to figure out what it is that they were put here to do. Then we have the “Big Hat Brunch” where we talk about the business of being a wife. We’re talking about the good, the bad, the ugly of marriage.
We definitely make a point to balance our programming. We definitely make a point to offer resources for entrepreneurship just like we offer resources for relationships because that, again, that was part of my story was that I had spent so long planning to be this wife, planning to be with this man that when it ended, I was like, “Well, man. What do I want to do now?” I had completely lost myself in that relationship and so I truly, I know that is what women seem to do, men don’t typically have that problem. We seem to, we get a good guy and then he’s our everything. Every single decision we make revolves around this man, our schedule depends on him, our wants, our needs, our dislikes, everything depends on this guy. That is when it becomes an unhealthy situation because anytime you are looking for someone to complete you instead of compliment you, you are giving them too much responsibility. You are giving them way more credit than they deserve because your happiness cannot depend on them. Period.
I remember after my engagement ended and how upset I was, I guess, that it was over. When I found success in this business that I had started after that, I remember feeling like, “Man, I am finally happy and it does not involve a man.” So many times, when we’re feeling our best, when we’re feeling those butterflies, that is the best mood that we’re in. When our man is acting right, you cannot rain on our parade, everything is going good. The moment he starts acting up, we having a bad day at work, our girls getting cursed out, our kids are suffering because this man has ruined our day. Anytime you are giving somebody that responsibility, you are literally just asking for failure. You are setting yourself up, and setting him up to fail. We definitely promote figuring out what it is that you are meant to do. You were not put here to just be somebody’s partner. You weren’t put here for that alone. There is something else, some other purpose, some passion that is burning inside of you that needs to get out.
I think that that attracts us to a man. Knowing what that is, having a purpose is very, very attractive to a man. If you are single, and if you are bored and lonely and looking for something to do, find your purpose, find what it is that you should be pouring your energy into. Then maybe your man can find you while you’re doing that.
Keyauna: That is so, so true. Putting your energy into you and I think people, instead of going out and looking for relationships and looking for a man, put that energy into yourself. Then the right person, the right situation will come along because you’re doing everything to attract that. Talk a little bit about the law of attraction and how once you can deal with your own issues, you’re going to attract exactly what God has for you.
Koereyelle: Listen the law of attraction is everything. If you don’t believe it, I mean, I just, I don’t know. I don’t know where to even begin because what you put out and when I say what you put out, I’m talking about everything from your thoughts to your intentions to your actions, to your words, every single thing that you put out is literally returning to sender. If I’m putting out negative thoughts, I’m going to continue to have negative experiences. I’m going to continue to get negative feedback from people. I’m going to continue to experience negativity because I am operating with a negative mindset. But if I am putting out love and faith and happiness and abundance and peace and prosperity, then I’m going to continue to attract those things to me.
Law of attraction, it works, hands down every single time. It is working right now whether you are consciously using it or whether you are unconsciously using it. The thoughts that you put out are literally creating your experiences. This is why goal cards work, this is why vision boards work, this is why affirmations work because the law of attraction is real. I have manifested so many things in my personal life and my professional life just based on knowing how to work the law of attraction because like I said, it’s either working for you or it’s working against you. It’s definitely in your best benefit to research it, read about it, watch some documentaries and figure out how to use it. Affirmations are not just a trend, it’s not just a fad. This stuff has been around for years and years and years. Instagram has just now made it popular, but Napoleon Hill has been talking about the law of attraction, Florence Scovel Shinn has been talking about the law of attraction since way back when.
This is definitely, it is a law, it works, it is an absolute. There is no guessing to it. You are literally drawing back to you every single thing that you put out. If you start today, if you decide I’m only going to think positive thoughts, I’m only going to think about the things that are going good in my life versus the things that are going wrong, you are going to feel yourself in a positive mood. You are going to be so shocked by the amazing experiences that you start to have. You’re going to notice people treating you different. So many great things happen if you just change your mindset, if you just change your perspective on things. The law of attraction is definitely real.
Keyauna: Speaking of that and all the tools and resources people can look for, you have the conference.”WERKPraySlay weekend in October. Talk about what people should expect if they attend the conference.
Koereyelle: “WERKPraySlay”…Werk meaning dedicating your life to your dream. Praying meaning that you ground yourself in faith. Play means that you are showing out and celebration of your success. Each year we present an annual conference here in Atlanta. This year it’s October 30th through November 1st. It is three days of education, empowerment, encouragement and entertainment and it’s for single and married women. We are starting off the weekend on Friday, October 30th with a toast to working women, which is not only a celebration of some of the women who inspire us, it is also the official book release party for my very first book, so I am super excited about that.
Koereyelle: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m excited to add author to my resume. Then Saturday we are doing the BYOB conference, which is “Be Your Own Boss”. We are inspiring you to live a life that you love, so we are presenting workshops on entrepreneurship, how you can become an author, how you can use time management in terms of your business, time management, organization, goal setting. Then you’re going to learn how to date like a pro.
Then on Sunday, we are ending the weekend with our “Big Hat Brunch” which is hosted by the Wives Society. I didn’t mention them, but the Wives Society is actually our mentoring program, which is full of happily married women who mentor the single women each month. They host the weekend finale with the “Big Hat Brunch”, where they tell us about the good, the bad, the ugly of marriage. Then we recognize, we honor a wife with the Claire Huxtable award. She is going to speak this year on the business of being a wife.
In a nutshell, WERKPraySlay weekend is definitely the ultimate weekend for working women. It is going to be a life changing experience and all of the details are online at WerkPraySlay.com.
Keyauna: One last question. For that stubborn twenty-six, twenty-seven year old woman who is gorgeous and thinks that the world revolves around the fact that she’s beautiful, and that some guy should just end up on her doorstep and treat her like a queen. What would you tell her right now about having a healthy relationship and a healthy marriage?
Koereyelle: I would tell her, girl, get real. You better start taking notes sooner than later because eventually these lessons are going to come back around. There are just so many examples in front of us of people who thought that and it didn’t really work out. I would definitely say that you don’t have to rush into a relationship right now, but what you should be rushing into is self-awareness, self-development and self-love because I think that those are the pillar of a healthy, happy relationship. Although I don’t think that you have to quote, unquote “do anything to get a man” you have to throw yourself out here to quote, unquote “get a man” but you can definitely begin to attract better people into your life by what you are putting out.
If you are putting out those vibes of you got to wait on me hand and foot, you better be happy, you better be lucky, all that type of stuff, you are going to attract negative experiences into your life. If you are looking for love with an open mind, with an open heart then you are absolutely going to open yourself up for opportunities to love.
Keyauna: Thank you for chatting with me. Thank you for your time and thank you for sharing about your wonderful program.
Koereyelle: I appreciate you for having me.
For more info on The Single Wives Club and WERKPraySlay Weekend, go to TheSingleWivesClub.com.